NOTES for Mat 8:5-13

Sometimes, as you walk to church, you think: here I am going to the house of God, but am I worthy to enter it? And you remember the experience of Mary of Egypt... Yet here there is something greater: God Himself wants to come into a house, and a man says, “I am not worthy that You should enter my house.” Here there is something far greater. Which of us is capable of denying ourselves communion with God? Who, feeling an irresistible desire to go to the liturgy and having every opportunity to do so, is capable of not allowing themselves to go? It seems absurd, simply outrageous. Yet this is precisely the feat accomplished by the centurion: a feat of the greatest ascetic discipline of soul and mind. We are accustomed to thinking of ascetic discipline as consisting, as a rule, in bodily abstinence, but abstinence of the soul is much more difficult, and spiritual abstinence more difficult still. Yet this ascetic discipline is the most important of all. Not to desire ecstasy, revelation, or a word of God addressed personally to you is extraordinarily difficult, especially if one has already had such an experience. But without this it is impossible to learn humility or to endure spiritual dryness; without it, a terrible collapse can very soon occur, one that may well lead to the loss of faith. This feat consists in saying to God: You lead me and protect me from evil, but You do not need to enter into the small details of my life in order to do so; even at a distance from my particular situation You can always help me. I will not burden Your attention with everyday trifles, nor will I insist too much on communion with You, for You do not need to enter into all this (just as He healed without entering the centurion’s house) in order to help when suddenly I cannot manage without You. And perhaps then our prayer will become less wordy, but stronger, brighter and broader.