NOTES for Ti1 1:20

The great apostle to the Gentiles, who perhaps labored more than anyone so that you and I might receive the news of Christ, does not give himself top marks. He considers himself not a righteous man but a sinner—and the foremost of all sinners. He constantly offers his repentance to God and constantly gives thanks for His mercy. Even Paul's apostleship is not his own achievement, but a response to Christ's call and a manifestation of the power He bestowed. God stopped Paul while he was persecuting Christians; God forgave him and appointed him to serve; God granted him the grace of faith and love for Christ—and to God he gives glory. Should we not learn from Paul to see these two things at once: our own sinfulness and God's perfect holiness?

Paul illustrates his words about the Torah, which leads the righteous to Christ and into the Kingdom, with the example of his own life. Speaking about his life before his conversion, Paul acknowledges that he was a persecutor of Christians, something that, of course, was known to everyone who knew the apostle. But by his own words, he was then just as sincere as he later was after his conversion to Christ, and he became a persecutor of the faithful solely out of ignorance (vv. 12-14). As we can see, in what concerns following the Torah, sincerity and faithfulness to what the person on the path considers right turn out to be the main thing for the apostle. This is not surprising: for the righteous person, what matters above all is spiritual integrity, which is manifested first of all at the level of the will, in the ability and readiness to make the right choice, to make decisions and follow them. Without such spiritual integrity, normal spiritual life is impossible in principle, as, for that matter, is any life at all. As for mistakes, when spiritual life is healthy, God can always correct them by showing the seeker the right path. That is exactly what He did with Paul, arranging for him on the Damascus road a meeting with the Risen One that overturned the future apostle's whole life.

Paul, as we can see, turned out to be spiritually ready for such a meeting. This is not, of course, about his expecting anything of the kind: in that sense, the meeting with the Risen One contradicted all his views and convictions. But he was ready in the sense that he resolved to part with them as soon as it became clear to him where the path of righteousness, leading into the Kingdom, now lay. The apostle has no illusions at all about his own sinfulness: he understands perfectly well that turning to Christ, and even the experience of the Kingdom, did not make him sinless; even now, years after his conversion, he continues to call himself a sinner, and of course this is not about what he did before, when he was a persecutor of the Church, but about what he knows himself to be now, already a witness of Christ and of the Kingdom (v. 15). But he knows something else as well, what all the righteous of all times have known: righteousness is not sinlessness, but the ability and readiness to follow God and bear witness to Him despite one's own sinfulness. For Paul, bearing witness to God means, of course, above all bearing witness to his meeting with Christ and to the experience of the Kingdom that was opened to him during that meeting and later, in the course of his apostolic ministry. And, of course, he understands perfectly well that without the direct participation of the Savior Himself, nothing of the kind in his life would have existed or could have existed (v. 16). Paul demonstrates by his own example how God turns a sinner who is seeking the righteous path into an inhabitant of the Kingdom.