NOTES for Ti1 1:12-20

Paul illustrates his words about the Torah, which leads the righteous to Christ and into the Kingdom, with the example of his own life. Speaking about his life before his conversion, Paul acknowledges that he was a persecutor of Christians, something that, of course, was known to everyone who knew the apostle. But by his own words, he was then just as sincere as he later was after his conversion to Christ, and he became a persecutor of the faithful solely out of ignorance (vv. 12-14). As we can see, in what concerns following the Torah, sincerity and faithfulness to what the person on the path considers right turn out to be the main thing for the apostle. This is not surprising: for the righteous person, what matters above all is spiritual integrity, which is manifested first of all at the level of the will, in the ability and readiness to make the right choice, to make decisions and follow them. Without such spiritual integrity, normal spiritual life is impossible in principle, as, for that matter, is any life at all. As for mistakes, when spiritual life is healthy, God can always correct them by showing the seeker the right path. That is exactly what He did with Paul, arranging for him on the Damascus road a meeting with the Risen One that overturned the future apostle's whole life.

Paul, as we can see, turned out to be spiritually ready for such a meeting. This is not, of course, about his expecting anything of the kind: in that sense, the meeting with the Risen One contradicted all his views and convictions. But he was ready in the sense that he resolved to part with them as soon as it became clear to him where the path of righteousness, leading into the Kingdom, now lay. The apostle has no illusions at all about his own sinfulness: he understands perfectly well that turning to Christ, and even the experience of the Kingdom, did not make him sinless; even now, years after his conversion, he continues to call himself a sinner, and of course this is not about what he did before, when he was a persecutor of the Church, but about what he knows himself to be now, already a witness of Christ and of the Kingdom (v. 15). But he knows something else as well, what all the righteous of all times have known: righteousness is not sinlessness, but the ability and readiness to follow God and bear witness to Him despite one's own sinfulness. For Paul, bearing witness to God means, of course, above all bearing witness to his meeting with Christ and to the experience of the Kingdom that was opened to him during that meeting and later, in the course of his apostolic ministry. And, of course, he understands perfectly well that without the direct participation of the Savior Himself, nothing of the kind in his life would have existed or could have existed (v. 16). Paul demonstrates by his own example how God turns a sinner who is seeking the righteous path into an inhabitant of the Kingdom.

These are some of the apostle Paul's best-known words, reflecting something exceptionally important in our faith. For fifteen centuries now many Christians have remembered them in the prayer before receiving the Body and Blood of Christ, saying: "I believe, O Lord, and confess that You are truly the Christ, the Son of the Living God, who came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am first..." Therefore, we do not believe merely that God exists; in essence, that goes without saying. We do not even believe merely that God is able to deliver us from death; that too is obvious. We believe that He has already done this, that He has come into the world.

And there is one more astonishing thing that the apostle Paul mentions more than once: the Lord came to us while we were still sinners. God's love for us is such that He saves us from the depths of perdition, giving us a new opportunity to become worthy of this love. And perhaps the most important words are: "...of whom I am first." But this statement, for all its rightness, suffers from a certain abstractness. What has practical significance is that He came not only to all, but to each person personally.

How should we understand Paul's words that the Messiah came into the world to save sinners? And why does Paul consider himself the foremost of sinners? The simplest answer would be that people in general are sinful, and if they are to be saved, then by definition sinful people must be saved, simply because there are no others. But this may be only part of the answer.

Another part of it may be hinted at in Paul's words about himself as the foremost of sinners. What, in essence, does salvation mean? Clearly, liberation from the power of evil and sin. And how can one be definitively freed from it? Only by entering the Kingdom. But sin is precisely what keeps a person from entering it. Clearly, a fallen person has to begin sharing in the life of the Kingdom while at the same time resisting his own sin. And perhaps the closer a person comes to the fullness of the Kingdom's life to which he is called, the more visible that sin becomes.

Not only Paul but other Christian righteous people also considered themselves the greatest sinners, and this was not self-torment or showmanship. The matter here is probably something else. Once, at a scientific gathering, people were discussing the possibility of interstellar travel at near-light speeds. Among other problems, one rather unexpected one emerged: it turned out that interstellar matter could hinder such flights. Its density is negligible; from the standpoint of the speeds familiar to us, interstellar space can generally be considered empty, with a few atoms per cubic kilometer being insignificantly little. But at near-light speeds they "thicken" and become an insurmountable wall for potential travelers. So it is with sin: countless small sins, like dust, are constantly present in our lives, and as long as we do not approach the Kingdom, we do not notice them because they do not hinder us. But as soon as we take a step in that direction, what was previously unnoticed becomes visible. The intensity of spiritual life increases, and what we once did not even notice begins to hinder us seriously. And when spiritual life becomes what it should be in the Kingdom, those same sins, formerly almost invisible, become a heavy burden pulling us away from the goal. Only the Savior's help makes it possible to overcome that burden.

As seen, Paul doesn’t have too high opinion of his human qualities. What it is: a false modesty? An inadequate estimation? And maybe on the contrary, a sober understanding of himself and of all the situations forming in relation to the personal personality? Indeed, Paul obviously, remembers perfectly his own spiritual biography. And he understands what he deserves, and what he does not. And when he writes that man receives the Kingdom, as an undeserved gift, he includes first of all there himself. But he also understands another thing: God is ready to wait and have mercy; He did not send His Son to the world for that, in order after to spoil everything with His impatience. The apostle understands perfectly that all the problem is not in man, and not in the fact that he is good or bad (nobody is good for the Kingdom), but in this luck, that God is ready to give to everyone.

And this luck is absolute: in the life of man, in case of repentance, there cannot be a sin, which could prevent from using this luck. Paul could himself say and really spoke many time about himself, that the Christ revealed to him the Kingdom, even in spite of the fact that formerly he (when he was still Saul) was the persecutor of His Church. Of course one could imagine again the situation more seriously, because Paul, with all his errors when he was a persecutor, was still a very sincere man. But the apostle himself, as seen, is absolutely persuaded that, although nobody is worthy for the Kingdom, God wants all the same to save everyone. Maybe, sometimes such a testimony became really actual: for, among Christians in all the times, we found those whom their own sin led to despair. It happened sometimes like that from the fact that people, formerly not knowing seriously the spiritual life, were horrified, discovering in themselves this measure of sin, which they expected not to discover at all.

And sometimes a nasty trick with the recently converted Christians was played by their own theories of a new "sinless" life in the Kingdom, which, as it seemed to them, had in a certain magic way to open to them once after the conversion, as if the conversion was not the first, but the last step on their spiritual path. Here is, for such Christians who fell in sadness, Paul's words became a spiritual reinforcement and encouragement: he let them know by his own example that God will chase away nobody, if only the man does not leave by himself. For, speaking with the words of the prophet, He wants not the perdition of the sinner, but that the sinner turns from his sin and lives.

Paul's mention of certain people whom, by his own words, he "handed over to Satan" in order to teach them not to blaspheme raises quite natural questions. How can one person hand another over to Satan at all? And how is this possible for a Christian? And can Satan really teach someone not to blaspheme? One would rather expect the opposite from him.

Meanwhile, this is clearly not about punishment proper, but about the consequences of a sin committed by a person, and a very serious sin if "shipwreck in faith" is mentioned. Perhaps the issue is people who, having become disappointed in God, in Christ, and in their own spiritual path, simply abandoned all this and began to live as they had lived before conversion.

And since such apostasy never passes without a trace, it very often turns out that a person quickly slides down into a life worse than the one he lived before. The same applies to so-called "punishments from God": God has no need to punish the sinner specially; it is quite enough for Him to leave a person alone with the consequences of the sins he has committed. But the church situation in this sense is special. The special feature of a Christian's path consists to a large degree in the fact that he is never left one on one with the consequences of his sin. Jesus came into the world not only to bring the Kingdom here, but also so that everyone who wishes might enter it. And for this it was necessary to free a person from the consequences of sins committed in his former life.

Yet such deliverance is possible only if the person himself repents of what he has done, and therefore fully and unconditionally renounces it. If a person begins to sin again, consciously, knowing what he is doing, and continues to sin, then in the end a moment can come when help is withheld until the moment when he comes to his senses and repents. The point here is not punishment, but that it is useless to help someone climb out of a pit if, as soon as he has done so, he jumps back in.

God usually allows a person to play such games by himself, without His participation, and begins to help when the player becomes tired of his game. Still, considering that without God's help it is impossible to get out of the pit, the game usually ends rather quickly after another fall into the pit, during which the player understands that he has played too far and will not be pulled out again until he begins to treat serious things seriously, not as a child's game. This "played too far" is what the apostle calls "handing over to Satan." And then, having understood that everything is extremely serious, a person can truly reconsider his former behavior.

If the issue is blasphemy, then one may think that the people Paul mentions were indeed carried very far away. And a face-to-face encounter with the reality in which they found themselves as a result, without any support, could well have had a sobering effect like a cold shower. Of course, this is shock therapy, but sometimes there is no other way to bring a person to his senses and return him to reality, and the apostle understands this perfectly.

The basis of today's reading is the definition of faithfulness and faith. The apostle tells us about two events in his life - his conversion and his calling. The first happened because God is merciful and forgave Paul for what he did in ignorance. The granting of ministry became possible because, after his conversion, the apostle was faithful to the One who called him.

Thus, the granting of ministry is a visible sign that God has confidence in us. It is easier to believe in our own worthlessness than to realize that even the meager reserves of our faithfulness can be enough for God to entrust us with something very important and fragile. Or, from the other side, when we see a person who in our view is unworthy, yet has nevertheless received such a gift, let us remember that faithfulness - and nothing else - became the reason for that trust.

God entrusts His work to us. And this becomes possible only on the condition that we remain faithful to Him.